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Tell me your best joke(s) - by Steven De Baets

Tell me your best joke(s) - by Steven De Baets

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Tell me your best joke(s) - by Steven De Baets

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I love a good laugh. Share your best jokes, stand up comedy videos or anything that can put a smile on my face.

Make me :).


This task was posted by Steven De Baets as part of an initiative where users can post their own task.  If you want to post a task, too write a comment in this task.





74 COMMENTS 488 VOTES

Most recent Most voted Most verbose

Why do you think the old Papa Bear throws his clock out of the window? 

Cos, he doesn't want the 'time to fly'.

2 months ago

Curtis Dilas new user

Ok I just left my job and will never go back after what my boss said to me

"Your fired" LoL

2 months ago

Ryan Olesen expert

Have acted as an advisor on multiple blockchain & crypto currency related ICO's!

In my first grade class, my teacher asked the class "what do think sex is"?

So little Richie got up and said Sex is a Temptation caused by a Sensation where Daddy sticks his location into Mommy's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Did you get my simple explanation or would you like a demonstration? 

And after all that Ms. Hornberger our teacher fainted and little Richie was able to wake her up by beginning a short demonstration. 

2 months ago

It's a silly one but I like it.

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who was always afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

2 months ago

Rapheal Ngene expert

some riddle:

1. what always goes up and never goes down.

2. what gets wetter the more it dries.

3. what two keys cannot open a lock.

4. which direction does the smoke from an electic flow to.

5. how many eggs can a cock lay.

let me stop here, have fun guys.

2 months ago

Jordan Goodwin new user

Wanna hear a good joke? One day Jordan Goodwin was born. Thats it. Shows over. The end.

2 months ago

Arzun Pathak expert

Don't listen to me, listen to the data and research.

2 months ago

ER DOCTOR: So, what brings you here? PATIENT: An ambulance! What do you think?!

2 months ago

Bitcoinet new user

When NASA began sending astronauts into space, it soon found that ballpoint pens did not work in the absence of gravity. To solve the problem, the researchers spent a decade and $ 12 billion to develop a pen that writes in space, upside down, on almost any surface and temperatures ranging from minus 10 degrees Celsius to minus 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians resorted to pencils.

 

2 months ago

I understand that it's a joke but having small and conductive graphite particles floating free in space is the last thing you want in a spaceship with electronics all around you. Also, Russians later started to use the pen too.

2 months ago

Bitcoinet new user

Quando a NASA começou a enviar astronautas ao espaço, logo descobriu que canetas esferográficas não funcionavam na ausência de gravidade. Para solucionar o problema, os pesquisadores gastaram uma década e US$ 12 bilhões para desenvolver uma caneta que escreve no espaço, de cabeça para baixo, em quase qualquer superfície e em temperaturas que vão de 10 graus Celsius negativos a 300 graus Celsius positivos. Já os russos recorreram a lápis.

2 months ago

anthony mancino new user

A Pirate walks into a bar with a Steering Wheel down his pants ....

 

the Bartender Sez..”What the hell are ya Doing with that Steering Wherl down your Pabts Man”

 

the pirate turns and sez..”it’s driv!in me  nuts”

2 months ago

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

2 months ago

Rapheal Ngene expert

this is really very funny.

2 months ago

NARUTO RAPHEAL guru

I am a Mechanical Engineer with expertise in power and Mecha-tronics. An Entrepreneur

lolz i love this so much, so let me do my best and be creative. Three guys were caught and asked to get different fruits from the near by forest, when they got back they were told to swallowed their fruits without showing any emotion. The first guy got an apple an in trying to swallow the first one he screemed, and then he was killed. the second got 10 peanuts and swallowed it with ease but on getting to the last one he stated laughing and then he was killed, When he got to heaven the first guy asked him why did you laugh you have almost swallowed up all your peanuts, but he replied, when i was about to swallow the last one i turned and saw the last guy coming in with water melons and i couldn't hold the laughter. 

2 months ago

Rapheal Ngene expert

I like this story alot.

2 months ago

What did the cop say to his stomach?

Stop! I’ve got you under a vest!

2 months ago

I love this hahahaha I don't know everything but jokes makes us happy

2 months ago

Jaja Blessing new user

I bought some sick boots from a drug dealer. I don't know what she laced them with but I've been tripping all day

2 months ago

Ethan Harris new user

Professor Z develops a mind control serum that works through the nervous system. Instead of trying it on a human subject (or himself), he injects it in his pet frog.

He says, "Frog jump." The frog jumps. Prof Z writes in his journal, "Told frog to jump. Frog jumped 20 feet."

Since it works through nerves, he cuts off one of the frog's legs.

He says, "Frog jump." The frog jumps. Prof Z writes in his journal, "Told frog to jump. Frog jumped 16 feet."

He cuts off a second leg.

He says, "Frog jump." The frog jumps. Prof Z writes in his journal, "Told frog to jump. Frog jumped 12 feet."

He cuts off a third leg.

He says, "Frog jump." The frog jumps. Prof Z writes in his journal, "Told frog to jump. Frog jumped 12 feet."

In the name of science, he cuts off the fourth leg.

He says, "Frog jump." The frog didn't jump. "Frog jump." The frog didn't jump.

Prof Z writes in his journal, "Cut off fourth leg. Frog goes deaf."

2 months ago

H Q guru

It was long but a great one so far :D

2 months ago

b p expert

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.

2 months ago

hidaia alassouli new user

Very interesting project that I believe has a lot of merit to its work. Looking forward to following your project I wish to list your token soon in good exchange such as mercatox

2 months ago

TOM STEEL guru

i find this very interesting, and i will like to add mine also, am not really much of a joker but will do my best in trying this out... check this one out "The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me." hope i tried.

2 months ago

What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree?

A pool table

2 months ago

Two men find two abandoned cats and decide to adopt them.

“But how do we tell them apart?”

“Well, this one has a little cut on its ear, so I’ll keep this one.”

After a month though, the other cat has an accident and gets a cut on its ear as well. So they make a cut on the other ear to one of them to tell them apart. After two weeks, the other cats has another accidents and cuts the other ear as well, so they decide to cut one of the paws.

After the other cat gets injured on exactly the same paw, they say:

“Ok, you know what? You’ll take the black one and I’ll take the white one.”

2 months ago

There are three guys and they are lost in a desert. Suddenly, they come across a strange lamp, so they do the only logical thing - rub the hell out of it. Lo and behold, magic genie flies out of it and says: "Since there are three of you, I now grant each and every one three wishes."
First guy approaches and his claims his first wish: "I want to receive 10 million dollars!" Genie snaps his fingers, says it's done and indeed, as the first guy checks his account, his balance is now $10,000,004.20.
"I want to be the richest man on Earth!", says the second guy. Genie nods and Forbes suddenly drops from the sky with second guy on front page, claiming him to be the richest man alive.
Third guy thinks for a while and says: "I want my right arm to rotate clockwise till the day I die!" Genie grants his wish and the third guy's arm starts to rotate clockwise all by itself.

The first guy's second wish is simple. "I want to have the most beautiful woman to ever live!" Genie focuses and after a second Helen of Troy appears out of thin air and immediately grabs the first guy around waist.
Second guy smirks and asks genie to be absolutely irresistable to all women. Genie grants this wish and Helen starts to give him the look.
Third guy's turn. "I want my left arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I am dead!" And in the moment he finishes his sentence, his left arm joins the right one and both are rotating.

Finally, third wishes.
First guy: "I want to be healthy!", says and Genie in ultimate power makes it so. First guy's cough goes away.
"Well, I want to be forever young!" exclaims the second guy and truly, his apperance is now in early 20s.
Third guy, waving his arms like some sort of living windmill, says: " I want my head to move back and forwards forever!" And so it is, his head now joins the strange movement of his upper body and Genie, finally free, flies away.

Those guys luckily escape the harrowing death and meet again a year later.
First guy is smiling and says: "Guys, I am truly satisfied with my life. I have invested the money and now it has doubled in size. My wife is absolutely stunning, wild in bed and I haven't been sick since that weird day!"
Second guy, looking like he hasn't aged a day, agrees, "Yes, you're right! I have donated some money to charity to undo my sins and I gotta say, your wife is indeed wild in bed!"
Both guys turn to the third guy, spinning his arms here and there, nodding his head up and down and in his bizzare movement he says: "Guys, I think I f*cked up."

2 months ago

YOU WIN!!! What an incredible joke, thank you!

2 months ago

Brenda Underwood new user

I have an idea for an app that could be as large as Facebook in a dif. Genre

So a horse walks into a bar sits next to a man orders a drink the man whispers something in the horse's ear - the horse laughs hysterically... The man motions for the horse to follow him to the bathroom - he horse walks out of the bathroom and proceeds to the bar exit... The man sits back down and orders another drink- the bartender asks what happened with the horse? The man says "I bet the horse $500 that my business was bigger than his and then I won the bet"!

2 months ago

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1. Wife Irritations Neutralising Extract(WINE)

2. Refreshing Unique Medicine (RUM)

3. Bothersome Estranged-Wife Elimination Rebooter(BEER)

4. Vaccino-Officio Depression Killing-Antigen (VODKA)

5. Wife High Infusion Suspicion Killing-Energy Yeast (WHISKY)

Don't laugh alone brother.😁😁😁😁

2 months ago

Louay Jeroudiah new user

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

2 months ago

When you set your alarm every 5 minutes in the morning. 

2 months ago

My boss told me to have a good day...

so I went home.

2 months ago

H Q guru

Knock Knock
Who's there?
......Control freak. 'Okay now you say, Control freak who?'
 

2 months ago

De Gem guru

Cryptocurrency enthusiast, avid reader, rapper and SDG advocate.

Well... a fault is detected in an airplane and a communique is sent to all the passengers indicating that some people would have to be thrown overboard to stabilize the plane, starting of course with the countries of the various passengers in alphabetical order. Philip and his dad are Angolans and get very nervous when the announcement is given. An airhostess comes up and starts mentioning the countries. "Afghanistan." Nobody gets up. She continues, " Albania, Algeria, Andorra." Four people are thrown out the plane. "Angola!", the airhostess continues. Philip ia about to raise his hands when his dad grabs them silently and whispers in his ears, "Son, yes I've told you a lot about loyalty and truthfulness in my life but henceforth, we're from Zimbabwe. I christen you Mugabe and you can call me Mnangagwa. Do you understand?" Philip and his dad weren't thrown off the plane. 

2 months ago

  • I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
  • Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  • My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

2 months ago

Son: Dad, what is an idiot? 

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? 

Son: No.

2 months ago

Baje Mirah new user

This comment is not available, it has been removed for violating the code of conduct

2 months ago

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine." :D

2 months ago

that wonderfull :D:D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUbcEQnP-Rc

2 months ago

Karen M guru

A guy walks into the dentist office and says" Doc, you have to help me. I think I'm a moth". The dentist says " I can't help you, I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. What made you come in here?" The guy said " the light was on"

2 months ago

lol, here's a fun version of that joke: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJN9mBRX3uo

2 months ago

Karen M guru

Wow
What a looooong version. Same punch line but it sure took forever to get there

2 months ago

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joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

1 Votes YUP icon 0
joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

0 Votes YUP icon 0
joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

0 Votes YUP icon 0
joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

0 Votes YUP icon 0
joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

0 Votes YUP icon 0
joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

0 Votes YUP icon 0
joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Yeah, I feel you. It feels super-long to me :).
- The best part was the interuption > "How long was the drive?"

2 months ago

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

2 months ago

adam bothamley new user

What is green and smells like red paint?

Green paint!

2 months ago

Dev Ranjan guru

Hey Steven, watch this video. Its full of comedy and humor.

https://youtu.be/vIbs6PJYjCM

2 months ago

John Mohn new user

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. 

2 months ago


This is a good task for taking a smile.

Title : Husband's birthday

1. 30s: Prepare gifts and various events for your husband.
2. 40s: Have dinner with my husband at a fine restaurant.
3. 50s: Feed husband the same birthday food all day long.
4. 60s: Invite my daughter-in-law and son-in-law to take my husband's birthday.
7. 70s: Leave husband alone at home and went to my daughter's house.

2 months ago

Mohamed Waheed

i'm seeking to know everything about the blockchain technology

2 months ago

Shuyong Yang expert

so nowadays, the way of telling jokes is to give a YouTube link??? I'm getting old...

2 months ago

Mohamed Waheed

i'm seeking to know everything about the blockchain technology

read the task description we can put video links.

2 months ago

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

2 months ago

Al Wallace guru

Food and cryptocurrency blogger with a diverse interest in investment/ crypto

Ok, here goes!

My wife told me to stop being immature, I told her "get out of my fort"

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make, then they call me ugly and broke.

I went to the doctors yesterday to tell him ive been having trouble hearing people, he said "can you describe the symptoms". I said üh..yeah, Marge has blue hair, homers the fat guy and bart is the kid"

My wife said to me "I feel so ugly, could you give me a compliment?", I told her "your eye sight is absolutely spot on!"

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, i had to put my foot down.

An example of how a scentence can be understood differently when said by a man or a woman - "I went through a whole pack of tissues watching that movie last night"

Im sure theres more but i cant think of any clean ones :D

 

2 months ago

InSomnius Joe expert

I solve problems for a living - combining knowledge from many areas of life

Here are 3 Stand-up comedians I discovered recently

1) Andrew Shultz - refreshingly politically incorrect and "innapropriate"

When I discovered this guy few months back (video about Russians :D) I instanntly watched everything I could find. And now he's posting even more content on a regular basis. 

This clip from "Views from the Cis" is about Why women don't orgasm.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdWYb5kkszw​

 

2) Yumi - cute Japanesse lady living in Canada

Using her Japanesse-ness and cuteness as part of the act and says things you'd not expect.

This clip is a long 12-minute set called Dirty show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ynca1jG5MYw

 

3) Josh Wolf - Weed-lover father who often jokes about his teenage son.

A story-telling type of comedian where weed and his teenage son tend to take a centerpiece with a bit of voice switching for an extra effect.

This bit is called They lie!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlUaEx-JtN8

2 months ago

Excellent selection! Thanks for sharing :D

2 months ago

InSomnius Joe expert

I solve problems for a living - combining knowledge from many areas of life

I'm glad you enjoyed it :).

2 months ago

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InSomnius Joe expert

I solve problems for a living - combining knowledge from many areas of life

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2 months ago

InSomnius Joe expert

I solve problems for a living - combining knowledge from many areas of life

This comment is not available, it has been removed for violating the code of conduct

2 months ago

InSomnius Joe expert

I solve problems for a living - combining knowledge from many areas of life

First link is wrong, here's the correct one. You CAN"T miss this one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdWYb5kkszw

2 months ago

Karen M guru

A duck walks into a bar & asks the bartender, ya got any nails. Bartender says no, get outta here. Next day, duck walks into same bar & asks hey bartender, ya got any nails, bartender says no get outta here & if you come back I'll nail your feet to the floor. Duck leaves but comes back next day, hey bartender, ya got a hammer? NO yells the bartender. Duck says good! Got any nails?

2 months ago

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2 months ago

Shuyong Yang expert

My best joke? Emmm. I just reported a "Very good" comment as "Irrelevant answer" again, but first time in this thread. Then I realized that I just eliminated the best joke. 

2 months ago

joe Šovčík

Experimenter, Goal to understand humans and delight them (I'm human, too )

Haha, I think you won :).

2 months ago

Candra Acil new user

i give my cat to listen eminem song "venom" now my cat becom black panther.

and another fact eminem can rap faster than your wifi !

2 months ago

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

2 months ago

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2 months ago

Alexander Dave new user

2 Canadians die and go to Hell

The Devil goes to greet them and finds them talking with each other, unfazed that they are to spend an eternity in  the Hell.

So the Devil reminds them they are to spend an eternity in here to which the Canadians reply "We know, it's just in Canada we rarely get weather like this where you can wear shorts"

Aggravated the Devil gets an idea! He goes to the thermostat and kranks it up thinking no one is allowed to be happy in Hell. But when he heads over to the Canadians they are joking around with each other and having a great time. "WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO HAPPY!?" "Well it's just in Canada we don't get weather this great and we love barbeque weather!"

Finally the Devil realizes his mistake, he runs over to the thermostat and turns it all the way down, colder than its ever been on Earth before. While walking back to the Canadians all the damned souls are crying out to him pleading to turn the heat back on. Satisfied that this will show the Canadians he is alarmed when he sees them jumping for joy screaming "FINALLLYYY!!"

"HOW DOULD YOU POSSIBLY ENJOY THIS!!?!?" yells the Devil

To which the Canadians replied "Hell froze over! That means the LEAFS WON!!!!"

2 months ago

Jonny Dee guru

You know why I hate Russian dolls? 

 

Because they are so full of themselves!

2 months ago

Do you know whos build the pyramid ? 

if your answer is pharaoh , you are wrong .

its  the powerful mutant lord "En Sabah Nur" from Xmen whos build the pyramid 

2 months ago